BANGARANG
Here you will find a collection of work done by me, Syd . The foundation of this work is gathered from my time as an extended student at the Esalen Institute in Big Sur, California. While this site can be a record of this time, I also hope that it will be the beginning of a documentation or collection of work spanning far into the future ; beyond Esalen and beyond Big Sur. I am certain I will take what I have learned at the Institute with me to empower me as an artist as well as a human being . I know I will continue to learn and grow as both an artist and a human being in the future . Here I am setting an intention to share both my creative endeavors and my very human experiences. I want to share this with you because I want to be close to you. I want to be seen by you and I want you to feel seen.
I have spent the last nineteen months living and working at the Esalen Institute in Big Sur California. The Extended Student Program has been one of the most intense, uncomfortable, and fulfilling experiences I've ever had. The level of awareness that is encouraged here creates an environment in which there is no where to hide because even if I hide, I can't forget that I am hiding. I've never felt so alone and so connected in a community before. I've been sitting in circle for countless hours with other seekers, hellbent on self reflection and self realization. Every uncomfortable feeling, every moment of doubt or fear has shifted into a clue that may or may not help unravel what at times has felt like an impossible state of being. Through working together while facing what scares us, I have learned how much my experience reflects so much of the human condition. So many things happen to us that shouldn't have happened. So many things didn't happen that should have happened. This being human thing is fucking difficult, trying, and also very very brave.
I am thankful for my experience of being allowed and encouraged to break down and gently pull myself together again. I also am aware of how resentful I have become. This place, it's politics, it's power structures, it's constant contact with people that can be so unaware of their impact at times has been infuriating. part of me knows that the frustration that comes from living in a community like this must add to the wonderful healing that occurs. Sometimes being pushed over the edge isn't necessarily a bad thing. I hope for a revisionist history. I hope that I remember the hot springs under the stars, the delicious food, the ridiculous dance parties, the deep loving friendships, the incredible bodywork , the sensation of Nueropathways rewiring and my Nervous System calming..... This is what I hope to remember. For now I am right where I am at: Exhausted. Overworked, over processed and ready to rest, integrate, and see how I fare out in the world. I know that it's not black and white; it's not either/or... So with all the love and frustration I can muster I find myself sighing as I walk through one of the most beautiful landscapes in the world, muttering under my breath: "Fuck you for tearing me into pieces Esalen. Ps I love you beyond words."
I am thankful for my experience of being allowed and encouraged to break down and gently pull myself together again. I also am aware of how resentful I have become. This place, it's politics, it's power structures, it's constant contact with people that can be so unaware of their impact at times has been infuriating. part of me knows that the frustration that comes from living in a community like this must add to the wonderful healing that occurs. Sometimes being pushed over the edge isn't necessarily a bad thing. I hope for a revisionist history. I hope that I remember the hot springs under the stars, the delicious food, the ridiculous dance parties, the deep loving friendships, the incredible bodywork , the sensation of Nueropathways rewiring and my Nervous System calming..... This is what I hope to remember. For now I am right where I am at: Exhausted. Overworked, over processed and ready to rest, integrate, and see how I fare out in the world. I know that it's not black and white; it's not either/or... So with all the love and frustration I can muster I find myself sighing as I walk through one of the most beautiful landscapes in the world, muttering under my breath: "Fuck you for tearing me into pieces Esalen. Ps I love you beyond words."